The Light Has Gone Out of My Life

by Harborer

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1.
i started this year with so many ambitions i'm living my life with too many missions i forgot about myself i've had way too much time in my own mind a thousand dusty memories that i'm keeping locked inside and where does it all go when i die if nowhere is everywhere the darkness approaches but i do not notice my eyes are fixated the wrong things in focus convincing myself that i know anything i'm not convinced yet i had to find a way to express myself or else i'd go insane if i shout into the void long enough my shouts will come back and fix me so i wrote about what needs fixing i put those words to songs in order to conjure up a state of peace i haven't been able to reach in so long
2.
slowly i've noticed my ideas grow increasingly mindless from what i see only as i sit and i wonder heart and mind asunder searching for me throw me to the river of jordan to find what's important again find me in the waves of the water what are my thoughts worth my friend lock step they march altogether no matter the weather no matter the time id guess they're searching for meaning could they know it's a feeling in their mind throw me to the river of jordan to find what's important again find me in the waves of the water what are my thoughts worth my friend ~~~ you were such a nice young kid how'd you get like this remember before listen to the people around you there's a reason they found you my friend
3.
Sophia 05:35
sophia steps into the living room she's not sure what she'll cook today she sits down to read her sacred book until it's time to pray her husband steps through the front door bracing himself for a fight she tries to tell him off the only way she can they never hear each other right oh, she chants through the evening and then and then oh, it's 20 years since she's seen her friends oh, she seeks the answer to a better life oh, the darkness calls her from deep inside sophia gazes out onto the trees below her green card seems as far as the leaves with mindful eyes she cries but accepts her place in the world there must be some point to this she wonders what her mom would think of her son he's started college today so many miles from home approaching year 21 if only mother could hear her say oh, god is a feeling and i feel it now oh, i wish i could make it up to you somehow oh, god save me from the burning fires of hell oh, i was astray but now i'm doing well oh, sophia's sacrificed so much for me oh, i wish she'd understand what i want to be oh, the only woman that could keep me sane oh, i cannot tell her of my godless brain ah, i don't know what i'm going to do ah, the last person i'd want to fail is you ah, the pressure of the sea is on me now ah, i wish i could make it up to you somehow
4.
a man goes down the stairs not knowing what he's done he doesn't realize he's pushed out everyone it's never him, it's always someone else's blame to hold what will you be like when i'm old older and wiser his son's alive but barely hanging by a thread he doesn't care to understand his loved ones' head his mother cries she doesn't know where she went wrong in life to find herself stuck in hogtied to his waking fantasy in her own house then he copes with those bottles by his bedside then he copes with that plant he's too damn proud to hide then he copes driving everyone in the house insane you're always on a different page your brain can register only rage you took too long to make a change i'm fully done with trying to wait for you i realized i don't know how to socialize might have to do with a lack of a man's advice he's never listened to a word i have to say at all so i just talk to myself i have a lot of nice conversations then he copes with a tantrum and a slam of the door then he copes by screaming til he just can't no more then he copes taking control of the art i try to make a racist everyman filled with pride tells his kid to try suicide your mother's sick your dog is sore you're only thinking of spending more so he doesn't leave like sophie did cause that's the way to treat your kid like a circus act like a badge to wear to fool the public like you really care i'll wait for you to show to me that you hold the ability to realize how you affect the ones you think that you protect i've waited for way too long too many times i've sang this song i'm getting tired it's getting late i'm fully done with trying to wait for you
5.
years go by more you than i 93 this year i’m still far behind through this time i’ve come to find that you don’t deserve this at all i realized that you and i are no different, even with our faults yet you still supply all i’ll need to have a chance to make it in life yet i’m petrified what will i do without you? i know that light is temporary and everything dies on its own time but you’re still alive i can’t believe that you’re okay with going on but i guess that’s life’s dilemma and you’ve accepted it i can’t pretend like i don’t contribute too but i know myself, i’m trying my best to leave a little space in between you’ve come so far you work so hard for men that pay your heart no mind yet every day a meal’s baked somehow a smile still graced your face but i’m not satisfied i’m not well i don’t understand how it can’t be hell to be a slave to a coping man made from your hands was it you that could’ve made him this way i couldn’t say but now we pay the price but being alive’s about the now and all the fortune you have found has come around i can’t bear to see him scream at you once more you deserve to be on an island paradise soaking up the sunlight the door is open, just step on by before the wind of time comes in to return you to the stars
6.
7.
all i can bear to say shrinks a bit each day my head is full of rocks disguising themselves as thoughts but they're not an educated mind uneducated in life she beckons for a kiss but grabs my arm and twists and i miss it i won't exist for you anymore but how am i supposed to close this door i've opened for myself i'm too curious to leave, too worried to stay my expectations crumble more and more each day i can't stay alive for you anymore she presses on the glass connection fading fast then puts her hand in mine my uneducated mind goes offline she gazes into my eyes my imagination flies the words have left my brain to find a way to say this is okay i can't keep up this act anymore but it's all i've ever known to be myself i'd love to be a human i'd love to see me try yet i melt in my chair as i turn off my mind i wish i wasn't me anymore
8.
all that comes to mind is something of you my brain can't deny that it's all untrue mundane situations evolve into elaborate movies starring me and you what is this love i'm making up this baseless love i'm thinking of i'll shoot for the stars, i'll aim for the sun my head's in the clouds, your head's long gone what is this love i'm making up it's not real at all you're minding your business, i'm thinking of you it feels like christmas when you're in my view it feels like a fantasy, that's what it is actually, i don't know what to do it seems so ridiculous, yeah i know, don't get me wrong, i think it is too what's this love i'm thinking of this fictional love i'm making up yeah these vivid dreams for the past few weeks i'm scared to death to fall back asleep desirable love i'm dreaming of i can't wait to see you but they say out of sight out of mind but my mind's been racing every lane going 90 in a 45, the way you drive my hair's still unruly, that's 'cause of you i hold on to memories that make it seem true people ask me what would make you happy is there anything i can do but all that comes to mind is something of you
9.
tuesday night just wanted to go out and have a good time didn't ask for all this extra bullshit in my life like a devil by my side whispers curses to make me feel like i want to hide i can't relate to anyone i can't seem to get it through my mind no one looks to me to make their day bright and i realize why i've got a fossilized brain i wish that i'd never came but every tuesday night it's always the same tuesday night can't take another awkward silent car ride i'd much rather just stay the fuck inside i wish that it wasn't like this but every time i get home i feel like i want to cry i want to die everybody hates me at least i feel like they do that's quite alright i would too if i was you if it was just me no one would ever come i'm an alien to everyone i'm my father's son tuesday night i've looked forward to it every week of my recent life but as of late i feel it's not worth the strife we make the PA overdrive and every wrong thing i say just cuts my heart like a rusty knife would you like a slice i'd much rather stay in the car until we have to play i wouldn't have much chance to dull everyone's day lock me in the trunk roll me out when it's time cause when i go to sleep i start to weep every single tuesday night
10.
god bless the NFL they've worked too hard to treat us well i wish they knew my name but to them we're all the same the sounds of bulldozers all the way across the street they infiltrate my recordings they take me to a place in my mind i've never known god bless the USA it seems to get worse each day we love our football team please tell me it's all a dream they'll take my house down just as they've done all around my childhood turned to ashes and debris my lovely evergreen reduced to a novelty an underwhelming christmas tree god bless the hall of fame what they've done seems like such a shame a whole neighborhood turned to a field out my window looks so surreal it stays empty through the night this place used to be filled with life pretty soon my home will be gone along with my memories of everyone i can't do this myself i don't have any help i'm falling farther down this hole i'm losing grasp of my soul
11.
See Spot Run 02:58
see spot run see him trod against the empty grass see spot run watch him catch that dancing leaf at last there used to be a home there but now it's just a field my friends used to live there but now old spot uses it as a dog park see spot run see him take in the smells of the city see spot run my neighborhood ain’t quite as pretty spot don't seem to care it's as if a home was never there i hope to be like him someday for now i'll watch him and take lots of notes see spot go he's the oldest friend i've ever known watch him go don't take him from me blue eyes and a big smile come sit down for a while i'll get you a new bone you've kept me from ever being truly alone you know not of the world just chase that little squirrel you're the man that kept me sane i'll remember you spot a-for the rest of my days
12.
in heaven everything is fine in heaven everything is fine in heaven everything is fine you’ve got your good things and i’ve got mine in heaven everything is fine in heaven everything is fine in heaven everything is fine you’ve got your good things and you’ve got mine
13.
i jumped out of a moving car today i sat against the road decreased my activity all the colors in a moving array when i close my eyes all i see is that and you sit down on the road with me the white lines mean nothing when you don’t use i will lift up the asphalt sea so we can be under the highway together the car drives over me i will lay down and accept this god only knows what i’d be without you see thanks for noticing i will vacuum my act nothing for infinity it sure sounds enticing i should try it out australian city stuck under a tree i will not sleep until i know til i know know no no a whisper cuts through the adamant air forcing it to separate for the sake of information that rears its ugly head it wouldn’t know how much time to take my eyes cut through this unforgiving screen just preventing my ability to wake my brain wonders exactly what you mean i’d like to know how many pills to take i jumped off a building today i didn’t actually but the dream was vivid you didn’t know what to say when i hit the ground i jolted to my feet i’d take it over reality it was so much better than what i thought about and you know what i mean different kinds of love are possible and i wish they weren’t wishes don’t come true wishes never come true i jumped out of a moving car today
14.
falling out onto the ground waiting for a sign to come down telling me if there's a way i can fix all of this someday the coping man throws it in reverse i'm thinking this can't get any worse i've been proven wrong so many times it's getting a little old now i think i'm alone now a new beginning is all i need i've gotta put all this behind me i see the light return in all my dreams so let's make that a reality and it starts with just me we drove back home without another word a scratch on my elbow and a soreness on my side one too many lonely reflective nights i can't believe this is my life there are many like it, but this one is mine a new beginning is all i need making these songs will help hopefully i feel the light deep inside my soul so let's bring it out of me for all to see thanks for listening i'll see you again sometime

about

this is an album i wrote over quarantine and started recording october 25th and finished december 6th. to me, it is an audio-only film centering around the more unfortunate aspects of my life and my attempts to work through them. making this album was a substitute for therapy and i gotta say, it did a damn good job because i feel better than ever now. hopefully you will find some enjoyment in it too.

credits

released December 25, 2020

bryce snodgrass - field recordings (1, 8, 9, 13, 14), backing vocals (1, 7), hammond organ (2), noise (4), bass guitar (9), clarinet (14)
matthew ryan - backing vocals (1, 7, 9, 11, 14), cajon (9)
sydney maddox - violin (2)
ben coates - vocals, all other instrumentation

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about

Harborer Canton, Ohio

-ben coates
-matthew ryan
-bryce snodgrass

we are three young fellows from ohio that make music that we enjoy and we hope you do, too. everything you hear was done in our basement.

for updates on things follow @hrbrer on instagram and twitter aka click those links below
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