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Look at My Van Gogh

by Matthew Ryan

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Midnight Medics
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Midnight Medics Absolutely gorgeous.

This album connects with me in a way that no album has done before.

Truly heartbreaking, but also foward-looking.

Love you Matt.

Favorite track: Adapt Without My Love.
John 00:56
And now that the tree's been cut And it's taken away you can begin a new chapter Although the air leaves my lungs And my roots are being pulled I’ve never felt more grounded Chained to a bed Immobile You will continue to live without me I’ll never see you join a band with your friends And I’ll never see you perform at cafes I can’t calm you down cause you are worried You’ll forget the lyrics on stage I’ll never see you progress on the instrument I taught you on the guitar I gave you You must adapt without my love You must adapt without my love
Draw Breath 04:39
We're calling you back My arms stretch wide I’m light on my toes Lanterns light the path The shaky ground Where your bones lie Where we all go When it's time to die And one foot In front of the other One by one I lose another And heaven's lucky Cause you house my father And I’m uncertain Of where I’ll draw breath I’ve given up On the sun I grow out my hair To shade me from the heat I’ve lost weight In hopes of blowing away But I have these boots That keep me grounded And one foot In front of the other One by one I lose another And heaven's lucky Cause you house my father And I’m uncertain Of where I’ll draw breath
Cardboard cut house Tin foil curtain And this is where I live And this is where I live Wet cement as floor Sandals as work shoes And this is how I live And this is how I live When the sun wakes you instead of the alarm It wasn’t because of the light but the heat The moon puts you to sleep Not cause of the dark but because of the silence Not today
Fairytale 01:57
I think it's time to talk You called me by your brother And its not your fault its the medicine Oh its numbing To watch my idea of life See it turn itself inside out I could see it ahead Mauled and stumbling in the dark And I knew the danger by your tears What can I say about death That hasn’t been said before Dead on arrival Oh I’m horrified Oh I’m mortified Oh I’m horrified Oh I’m mortified At the sight of you dead With eyes wide open
Dear You 03:30
Throw it back in the water I have no use for it Discard it Our hands are dirty They won’t wash in the sink Age and mortality coexist but only one is immortal How sore is your throat You haven’t spoken in 3 weeks How is your hunger You haven’t eaten in 11 days I was afraid to go to school and returning to see you dead I didn’t want to age 30 years in an instant Dear you I’ve come to write this letter Because when I have something to say I lose my voice
Man of Ash 03:58
Caught in a web of situations I can’t manage Prey waiting to be swallowed I look in the mirror and my skin is black and burned The flesh sliding off my bones like wax Playing with fire Intangible Unmanageable The warm light attracts me like these tragedies that follow me And now I leave a trail of ash And its covered my footprints I hold on to these facts that leave me looking at myself dissolving from a different perspective Look at this skinny pale kid I can look right through him You can tell he's spent the whole day locked in his head Asking questions like why is my shadow larger than me instead of asking how to get rid of it Cause he know he can’t stop its follow Look at him with his teeth falling out of the mouth that can’t support the words he wants to say That's why we say Oh look at the man of ash
I had a nightmare Where I died last And it was Very frightening And I’m afraid Of forgetting his voice And I’m hungry Starving for less I had a dream Where I died first So I wouldn’t Have to watch you wither away
Aftertaste 03:40
It's been so long since we have spoken And its not out of choice We simply speak different languages Do you remember our last conversation I don’t know why I asked you can’t respond You were rooted to a bed In our living room the sun peaked And I sat in the sunroom The backyard was springing How can the world be so pretty Yet I’m experiencing something ugly You’re decaying before my eyes My father My father What about the children I’ll raise one day What about my wedding day What about the fatherly advice you’ll give What about my college graduation What about my next birthday Where are you
News Report 03:11


When I lived in Vermont with my family, my dad worked at the University of Vermont. He had a coworker that kept to himself but was always friendly. One day, the coworker showed up to our house and after hearing about my dads cancer, he painted this portrait. No one knew he was an artist. On May 16th, 2017, my father passed away and on May 16th, 2020, this album was released.


released May 16, 2020

matt ryan - all instruments, all lyrics, all arrangements, cover photography
ben coates - mixing, mastering, sound effects
bryce snodgrass - cover design


all rights reserved



Harborer Canton, Ohio

always experimenting.

from a basement in canton, ohio.

for updates on things follow @hrbrer on instagram aka click that link below

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